Logical consequences

Our nugget from two weeks ago was titled "Discipline" so you can understand why I titled this post "Logical consequences".   Most people, including myself at times, run for the hills when they see or think about the word "disciple".  For most of the people in HOPE, this word carries many meanings, none of which are positive.  Children need disciple to feel secure; so do adults.  Discipline means understanding that there are logical consequences to our behavior.  It means taking responsibilty for our behavior and the consequences.  Mostly it means being where we need to beeed to be there, despite our feelings.  Ouch!  That last sentence stung a little bit.  Another important aspect of discipline that many of us often forget, is trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them in the day to day thick of it.  This topic was so meaty in group that we decided to use two tools :)

Tool:
1.  Name three unattended areas in your life and how you might take a step forward toward discipline in each area.
2.  Name several logical consequences for my behavior. (This can be healthy consequences from healthy behaviors OR unhealthy consequences from unhealthy behaviors)

This week we talked about accepting ourselves.  For many of us on this journey, we are in the midst of discovering just who we are.  For so many years we lost ourselves in the wants, needs, desires and demands of others.  Our perspective and lens through which we view ourselves and the world around us has been distorted because of it.  It is incredibly hard to walk around wearing the wrong prescriptions and then having smudges all over the lens. Part of learning to accepting who we are means accepting where we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws wants, needs and desires.  I love this quote by Carl Rogers: "The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Tool:
1. Imagine that you are walking around with those glasses on which are the wrong prescription and have smudges on them.  These smudges impact what we see, whether I am looking at myself, others or the world around me.  Name the smudges you see on your glasses right now where you are on your journey. 

Christiane Matey, HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition Leader now has her own blog which will be a wonderful resource for all of us. It will also be an extremely helpful way for any of you who may miss the meeting to catch up. Her information is so incredibly interesting and helpful. Here is the link to Christiane's blog and her class this week. http://www.hopelifestyle.blogspot.com/

Choosing to care . . . about me!

Last week we had an interesting conversation about choosing to care about my own needs.  Choosing NOT to neglect my own needs in order to meet the needs of many others. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on others is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.  Wow!  What a concept!  The tool from last week created the most interesting conversation this week. 

Tool:
1. Make a list of your REAL needs and make a list of your MANUFACTURED needs for the week.

This week began by group members talking about the difference between what real and manufactured needs are.  That led us to this week's nugget which was about feelings.  Years into lifestyle change, many of us may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.  Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves in order to survive certain situations.  Others were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings.  Times have changed!  We are neither weak nor deficient for feeling our emotions.  It means we are becoming healthy and whole!

Tool:
1. Feel your feelings with a backdrop of truth.  Define your backdrop of truth.
(Ex: You feel shame, like you are a BAD person, for not babysitting your friend's children during your important work meeting.  Your feelings are certainly real because you feel them.  Are they true? No. How do you know? That is the backdrop of truth.  It is what tells you whether or not what you feel is true.)

Christiane Matey, HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition Leader now has her own blog which will be a wonderful resource for all of us.  It will also be an extremely helpful way for any of you who may miss the meeting to catch up.  Her information is so incredibly interesting and helpful.  Here is the link to Christiane's blog and her class this week.  http://www.hopelifestyle.blogspot.com/

Fear and love

The last two weeks in HOPE have been extremely powerful and encouraging.  Two weeks ago we began to uncover the root of fear. Very much like soldiers in a war rely on fear to survive, many of us relied on fear in our past to protect ourselves and it served us well.  However, now it is time to recognize how that fear may be driving our behavior in an unhealthy way and to be willing to look past the fear and see what's there. As adult women striving towards health and wellness, we don't need to carry the fears from the past into lifestyle change in the present. It just doesn't work. We can listen to our healthy rational fears and let go of the rest.

Tool:
1. What are your old fears that helped you survive? Survive what? How does it drive your behaviors today? Name the behaviors.

Last week we talked about loving ourself which can be a difficult topic for many reasons.  This is at the core of our journey. Many of us substitute self-esteem for what we wear or drive or the money we have.  And many of us have confused body image with self-esteem.  We can learn to love and accept ourselves, in fact it is just paramount. This is the birthing ground of self care and compassion. If we are not sure of who we are, then it is time to embark on the wonderful discovery.

Tool:
1. How do I discover who I am? How do I decide who I am? Are they the same?

EXTRA: A group member shared this observation in her own journey and it was a profound question that I want to share. Wow! Please take a moment to ponder this is your own life journey:
   "What if I wasn't afraid to love myself?"

HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition
Today we had a great session all about preparation.  Here are some guidelines we covered:
-          Clean out the cabinets and fridge
-          Identify “kryptonite” foods
-          Make a weekly menu and shopping list with
       everyone in the household
-          Ask family to chime in and help
-          Stick to the grocery list
-          Allow yourself 1 treat a week, as long as it’s not a
       “kryptonite” food
-          Shopping and prep need some time so make sure you allow
       yourself a few hours
Upon returning from the store:
-          Take everything out of the bags
-          Put away items that aren’t needed
-          Cook items for the week
-          Start with long cooking time items first like roasts, meats,
       vegetables and grains
-          Prepare vegetables and fruit, clean, slice, chop or dice
-          Put away in clear easy to see containers for quick access
Here are some suggestions for staple items:
-          Roasted lean protein like chicken, turkey and fish
-          Soups, Stews and Chili's
-          Salads and various sliced diced vegetables
-          Berries (frozen) and low fat yogurts for smoothies or snacks
-          Lots of fruit like apples, citrus, pears and bananas on the
       counter for quick snacking
-          Individual packs of nuts, trail mix and snack items
-          Whole grains as salads or side dishes
-          Whole grain breads
-          Low fat cheeses and dairy
-          Raw veggie options with dips like humus or yogurt
-          Eggs and egg whites
-          Low fat ground meats like turkey, chicken and beef

Next class we will discuss portion sizes and journaling.  We also came up with a new lesson in class called "this or that" that will follow portion sizes and journaling.  We will talk about how we can make healthier choices rather than avoiding certain foods altogether.   

As always, you can reach me anytime with questions at mateychristiane@gmail.com.

Those Dreaded Feelings

One thing I am certain of as I have walked this unfolding journey of lifestyle change is this; Emotions get a bad rap.  Feelings seem to be the thing most of us are most afraid of.  Why is that? Well I'm sure I can answer that. . . because they don't "feel" good!!! It has been the reason I have used food to stuff them or silence for many years of my life.  As I continue to embrace this journey, I have come to understand one thing for certain.  The emotions I have been given are a gift from God that He hard-wired in me for my benefit.  Notice the words gift and benefit? Let me remind us all that feelings are there to tell me I need something.  As we venture on on our journey of lifestyle change, one of the treasures we are seeking is our emotional self that has long been intentionally piled under years of life. 

Tool:
Talk about how you see your feelings or emotional self.  Do you see it as a terrible painful thing to run from or a treasure that you are seeking to help identify the needs in your life. If I'm guessing, you are somewhere in the middle.  Write about where you are and why. 

HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrtion
Thank you for a great turn out for HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition.  We touched upon a lot of information regarding nutrition and lifestyle change.  Here are some highlights:

-          Where do calories come from?  Protein, Carbohydrates, Fats and YES alcohol.  Water, minerals, vitamins and phytochemicals do not have calories.

-          Find your BMR.  This is the base calories you need if you laid in bed all day.  You can find your number online at, http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

-          1 pound of fat = 3500 calories or 500 calories per day.  Which means you need to be more active or to eat less calories in order to lose weight per week.  For example, I need 1650 calories just for my body to function.  If I ate 1150 calories per day I would lose 1 pound a week.  I could also eat 1650 calories and burn 500 calories per day and lose 1 pound a week. 

-          Check out www.myfitnesspal.com.  This is a wonderful tool to help you journal and reach your goals.  They will do the calculations for you on your BMR and weight loss goals.  We have a class just on journaling coming up but I am open to questions anytime.

Our next meeting we will talk about preparation.  How to plan your week and set yourself up for success. Please feel free to post any questions on the blog.  You can also send me a private message at mateychristiane@gmail.com.

Recognizing Choices

Why is it so hard to believe that there is any space between ALL and NOTHING. Black or white.  Night or day.  Why is it also so hard to believe that middle ground is where the battles are won.  Where success is found.  Where peace from this raging racket of emotional overeating resides and where lasting lifestyle change can be achieved.  This week in HOPE we talked about the power of choices.  When I have that feeling of being trapped, I can know that it's a symptom of codepndency.  It might sound like this; "I have to take him" or "I'll always be overweight" or "I have to say yes".  I can know with certainty that I am choosing NOT to choose.  Even when I feel like there are no choices (the all or nothing place), there are always choices.  Always.  Those choices are what lead us into the middle ground where health and wellness can be found.  I am striving for progress, not perfection.  I am striving for better.  Better is found in the middle ground, which is the very ground that lasting lifestyle change occurs.  Watch out for the rocks and cliffs of all or nothing, and walk towards the safer middle ground where you can see the choices of your life!

The tool this week is:
a. What choices on your journey of lifestyle change seem to be the hardest to maintain?
b. What would create consistency for you?
c. What would block consistency for you and why?

HOPE Lifestyle - Fitness was just wonderful this week.  Laura Trumbull did an amazing job of leading us in dance fitness for the hour.  I'm not sure the last time we all had so much fun together!! 

HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition
Here is a note from Christiane who leads our HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition class:

Thinking ahead.....

Next week we have a great HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition class.  This is a nutrition class where I will help simplify the complicated world of nutrition in a manner that give you the tools for success.  It will typically be in a discussion form. We will touch upon things like portion control, journaling, preparation and other items which will be classes to come in the next few months.  I HOPE to see you all there.

For your calendars ahead......
Feb 4 - Preparation: The Keys to Success
Feb 18 - Portion Control and Journaling
March 4 - Dining Out
March 18 - Recipe's and Tasting
April 1 - Smoothie's

This is your class, so please feel free to let us know if there is something you would like more information on.  We can certainly fulfill your needs.

Q and A with Christiane Matey (We will post the question and answer each week on the blog)

 

Here is a place for you all to ask away, anything you can think of that I can help with your lifestyle change.  I also want to extend my email for those who may have a more private question, mateychristiane@gmail.com.  You can email anytime. 

Intentions, Motives and Truth

We had a wonderful start of the New Year in the HOPE Program!  We began our 2015 session talking about three things to consider as our new year begins to unfold. 

*Last year has passed, and we can learn many lessons from our disappointments and gain momentum from our accomplishments. This is a new year, with all the hopes and dreams available to each one of us.  Now is the time to set INTENTIONS in order to achieve the very things we would like to occur in our lives.

*Human behavior is almost always motivated by unseen needs that move us into action.  Physical needs are easier to understand than emotional needs, however just as important and powerful.  Understanding underlying MOTIVES are extremely important on the journey of lifestyle change.  Take time to identify the need behind the behavior.

*And lastly, let's take time to see how far our roots go into TRUTH.  If our roots go into the soil of shame, blame and co-dependency (our thinking), then it will produce the same in our emotions which dictates our behavior.  If our roots are growing into the rich soil of love, acceptance and healing, it will produce healthy fruit (our behavior) in our lives as well.  This is a good time to look at the fruit that our lives are producing and be willing to till the soil.

TOOL:  What are you going to sew into your soil that will add health to it?

Also, Christiane introduced us to our new extra hour that follows HOPE from 1p - 2p.  It is called HOPE Lifestyle, and will alternate with nutrition one week and then fitness the next week.  She will be with us the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of the month helping us with the nutrition piece on our journey. On the fitness weeks, which will be the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month, our instructor will be Laura Trumbull.  Here is a small introduction on both of the women that we are so blessed to have instructing us in HOPE Lifestyle. 

 

Christiane Matey HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition

Christiane Matey has a degree A.S., Culinary Arts from The Culinary Institute of America  and B.S., Dietetics from Kansas State University.  Christiane has been in the restaurant industry her whole life cooking from New York City, Boston to London.  She is a private chef and wellness coach for her own practice The Fit Chef and works now at the Harris YMCA with HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition.

Laura Trumbull HOPE Lifestyle - Fitness

Laura had weight and eating issues at one time and is VERY excited about working HOPE Lifestyle - Fitness. She teaches many different FUN dance and fitness formats, from chair aerobics and other chair exercises, DISCOrobics, Zumba and Bellydancing, as well as strength, low impact and a little Yoga. She will meet each one of us right where we are and will talk to us the first session to see what will be helpful to each of us in terms of the fitness piece of our journey 

 

Christiane was absolutely great! She has interesting information and the way she delivers it includes us all in the conversation. Here is her summary of the first HOPE Lifestyle class:

Today we discussed new year’s intentions and how to focus on making small changes. When we focus on the big picture our intentions become unattainable. For example, I want to lose 60 pounds. Sure, that can be done but how.It is especially important that we focus on baby steps. Changing something about your diet like eating fish 2 times a week or parking further from the store can make a difference over the course of a few months. Another intention towards losing weight could be cooking more at home or eating more often but smaller meals. A good way to look at this is that 1 pound of body fat = 3500 calories. That means finding 500 calories a day for one week by either swapping out beef for fish or parking further from the Y can help you lose a pound a week. Keeping intentions attainable and realistic is a recipe for success.

 

New Year New Outlook

Great new changes for 2015!!  This is what we can look forward to:

-          HOPE will no longer be on Tuesday’s starting January we will meet on Wednesday’s from 12:00 – 1:00.  We also have Thursday as well 6:00 – 7:00 pm.
-          We are adding an additional hour called HOPE Lifestyle.  Just like it sounds all the tools to help with lifestyle change, fitness, food and nutrition.   Lifestyle will follow HOPE group on Wednesday’s from 1:00-2:00 pm in the conference room.
-          Starting January 1^st dues will be on auto withdrawal per the YMCA’s programming policies.  For the first time in 13 years the dues will increase.  It will be $30.00 a month for members and $60.00 a month for non-members.  This fee includes any and all attendances of HOPE and HOPE Lifestyle.
-          As always we welcome past participants and new comers to our group.  We have a lot of exciting things happening at HOPE.

Let me take this opportunity to introduce you to Christiane Matey who will be leading out HOPE Lifestyle program.  Some of you may have already had the pleasure to get to know her.  But, for those of you who have not, I strongly encourage you to meet this wonderful blessing that fell on our lap.  Here is a something to whet you whistle until you can experience some of her genuine warmness, compassion for others and her incredible talent regarding food and nutrition for yourself;
Julie: I understand you too have struggled with emotional overeating and obesity.  Tell me a bit about that.
Christiane: I started to overeat emotionally after several traumatic events happened when I was 8.  I always loved food but it became unhealthy at that time.  I didn’t realize I had an issue until I stepped on the scales at 12 and discovered I was 220 pounds and a size 18.  I went on Weight Watchers with my Aunt and lost 140 pounds.  That began my roller coaster ride of emotional over eating.  I would lose 40 pounds then gain 60 pounds and on and on. 
Julie:  What finally turned things around for you?
Christiane: I got tired of the ride.  I went to therapy and a nutritionist who set me on the right path and taught me lifestyle change.
Julie: What is your intention for HOPE Lifestyle?
Christiane: I want to give people the tools to create lasting lifestyle change.
Julie: What are a few examples of what one would see in HOPE Lifestyle?
Christiane: We are starting off the year talking about New Year’s resolutions.  Then we will talk about nutrition, some fun personal fitness classes for us as a group and food tastings.

As you can tell the New Year holds much for us to look forward to.  We HOPE that you will be a part of our new year!

Blessings and a wonderful Christmas season!
Julie

Appreciating myself and removing that victim mentality

Learning to appreciate myself?  That sounds like a tall order!  Last week Michelle led the group as they talked about this topic.  Many of us have learned to be our own worst critic.  Many of us have learned to walk through life constantly apologizing for ourselves.  Many of us have learned to believe that we are less valuable than others.   Enough of that ladies!  Each one of us has a right and a responsibility to be ourselves.  We each have a purpose and an intention for our life!  We are worthy, valuable and talented with innate abilities that are specific to us.  The more we can begin to recognize the qualities and abilities that make us unique, the more we can truly begin to appreciate ourselves.  The tool for last week was:

• Define 5 things you appreciate about yourself.  Define "appreciate".

"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" Can't they see I need help?" and "don't they care?".  How many times have I uttered these very sentences.  The issue is not whether others see or care, the issue is whether I see and care.  The reason we point fingers at others, waiting for them to have compassion on us, is because we have not yet fully acknowledged or accepted our pain or taken responsibility for it.  We have not reached the point of caring about ourselves and have taken the stance of a victim.  It is our responsibility to have compassion for ourselves.  In fact, that is the first step toward self-responsibility, self-care and change!  The tool this week is:

• How has someone else defined you?  How did or how could you redefine yourself?  

Have a great week ladies.  Let me just say one more time, in case I have not said it lately . . . you are the smartest women I know!  Keep up the excellent work!

3 essentials of lasting lifestyle change

The breakout sentence from our nugget on self care two weeks ago was this: "The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other  people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves."  I cannot yell AMEN loud enough!  We have all found ourselves in this position at one time or another, most of us however do not recognize the terribly high price we pay for such behavior.  "We cannot simultaneously set a boundry and take care of another person's feelings.  It's impossible because the two behaviors contradict each other."  Self care is imperative on this journey of lasting lifestyle change.  It is good to care about people and their feelings.  It is essential to care about ourselves too.  The tool for this week was:

• Name all the self care behaviors you displayed this week.

Last week we moved on to a conversation about the importance of accepting who I am.  Many have struggled with knowing who they are because for years they have been so submerged into the needs of others.  Being who I am, right now, right where I am, is not a limiting attitude.  Accepting and loving myself is how I enable growth and change.  If you are not sure of who you are, I encourage you to enjoy the exciting discovery.  The tool for this week:

• Sift and big pan of dirt, with gold buried in it.  When the dirt falls out, determine what you are not.  What does the dirt represent in your life that is not you?  When all the dirt is sifted out, what is left is the chunk of gold.  That is YOU!  Finding out who you're not will show you who you are. 

Today we talked about one of the most important issues we face on this journey is learning to trust ourselves.  The most detrimental thing that has happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.  Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves.  We can learn it again.  I know what is best for me.  I know what is right for me.  I can trust that God will lead me in the times that I am not sure.

• Fear, doubt and confusion.  Why are these three the enemies of self trust?

Self-control (yuk, not my fav topic!)

Yikes!  I don't know about you guys, but that word causes me to tighten up a bit and think of that other word that makes me cringe. . .d i s c i p l i n e!  Last Tuesday we talked about this topic as it relates to lifestyle change and as you can imagine, it clearly relates.  As we read the nugget, this sentence in particular jumped out at me. 

"Lack of self-control is equal to irresponsibility." 

Nothing like hitting the nail on the head! Lack of restraint and lack of responsibilty will lead to consequences.  On this journey we are on to have lasting change, we have the power to practice self-control.  And in this case, I will have to practice. . .and practice. . .and practice self control!

God, help me today as I practice self-control and responsibility in my life.  Help me to do for myself what You have equipped me to do.

TOOL:

1)  Where in your life do you control your actions? Why?

2) Where in your life do you not control your actions? Why not?

It's all about me. . .

"Whoa!  That sounds SO selfish!"  That is the first thing we think when we begin talking about putting ourselves first.  Of course everything has a context and in context to lifestyle change, the concept of self care is paramount.  It is simply not selfish to take care of myself and my needs. Part of the concept of self care is determining what and who we allow in our space.  Two weeks ago before the snow, we talked about this concept using the analogy of life's theater and who we allow in the seats right next to us in the front row, who we allow behind us and who we ask to sit clear in the back of the life's theater.

For many many years, I just didn't realize that I was the one who had the right, power and responsibility to choose who would be near me in my life.  Now I understand that if someone is not safe or emotionally healthy, then I can choose to not have them sit right next to me or I can even ask them to leave my theater!  Many of us feel stuck in our own life's theater with difficult, unhealthy and unsafe people in many of the seats right next to us.   For our own health and well-being, it is necessary to have conversations with these folks expressing how we feel, our needs and ultimately where we would like them to sit in our life's theater,  Using "I" statements is the most healthy and beneficial way in which to do this.  The more healthy I become on this journey of lasting lifestyle change, the more it is OK with me to have some people sit in the back row of my life.  I realize that around these folks I tend to revert back to my "old co-dependent self" and all the unhealthy behaviors that it entails.

God, thank you that your love gives me permission to be my own best friend, before I am anyone elses.  Help me understand that self care is not selfish and is necessary, in order for me to give back to others in a healthy, meaningful way. 
 
TOOL:
Who needs to be placed in the front row of your life's theater, in the middle and in the back?  What will it take to put them there? What repercussions might you face as you change the seating in your theater?

Feelings. . .nothing more than feelings. . .

One of the most foundational truths we talk about in HOPE is feelings.  For so many years I stuffed my feelings that I didn't even know how to begin to allow myself to feel.  When I stopped using food to stuff them down, they began to pop up without much effort on my part.  The second thing I had to negotiate was how to express these feelings in a healthy way that works for me.  Learning these things definitely takes time and patience and a willingness to continue on the journey of lifestyle change.  Today we talked about this journey in terms of being on a treasure hunt.  One of the treasures we are looking for is the emotional part of ourselves that we may have spent years suppressing. Feelings are simply information that tells us what we need.  Nothing more, nothing less.  While some feelings are more uncomfortable than others, they cannot be looked at as either good or bad.  It doesn't serve me well to judge my feelings.  In fact, your feelings ARE a treasure and a wonderful part that has been wired into you from your birth. Enjoy your treasure hunt this week!  Just remember to keep this attitude in your heart as you go excavating - I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling, I will appreciate my God-given gift of my emotions. 

TOOL:
"We are on a continual treasure hunt on the journey of lifestyle change"

a) Why are your emotions a treasure?

b) What are the other treasure that you will find on this journey?

Healthy vs. Unhealthy FEARS

Let me start this week by sharing a few things regarding the tool from last week.  As you recall, the 2nd part of the tool asked the question "what other treasures are you seeking on the journey of lifestyle change?"  The answers shared by everyone in group this week were just amazing and inspiring, reminding me personally of why I continue on this journey.  Here is the list of treasures:

• To strive for peace
• To try new things
• To be wholly and completely who I was created to be and take risks
• To be flexible
• To have boundaries
• To lean in toward middle ground
• To build trust in myself
• To use my voice
• To offer forgiveness
• To accept myself right where I am
• To practice honesty

I intend on keeping this list on my refrigerator as a reminder of the incredible treasures that will continue to unfold as I grow.  This conversation led us into the nugget for this week.  We talked about fear, an emotion many of us have walked in for many years.  Fear is at the core of codependency.  It can motivate us to control people or situations and to neglect ourselves. 

At some point in our lives, we may have relied on fear to protect ourselves much the way soldiers in war rely on fear to help them survive.  Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings as "fear" anymore and it begins to feel normal.  But now, on the journey of lifestyle change, we are choosing to live differently.  We don't have a need for that much fear anymore. We can thank our old fears for helping us survive, then kiss them goodbye!  We can welcome peace, trust, acceptance and safety into our space as we learn to listen to our rational fears while letting go of the rest.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid and replace it with a need to be at peace.

TOOL: (There is an addition below to the tool you received in group this week)

1) What is the difference between rational and irrational fears? 

2) How can you identify them in your own life?

Choosing to. . . Choose!

Today we had an awesome group that included folks who had been in HOPE years past and came back to join us and newcomers who have started their journey with us recently.  Together we make a wonderful group of women who are at different places in this hard fought journey called lasting lifestyle change! Today we talked about choice.  I'm not sure there is much that's more foundational to this journey than understanding that I have a choices. Choices about my job, my relationships, my weight, my health, my spiritual path and any other topic that you'd like to add to this list.  Feeling trapped in something is a symptom of codependency and is simply an illusion. I am not controlled by circumstances, the past, expectations of others or unrealistic expectations of myself.  I have choices and when I hear myself say "I don't have a choice" . . .  then I am CHOOSING not to choose.  Not choosing locks me into feeling like a victim with no control, feeling like I must control everything or feeling like I am responsible for taking care of everyone.  Hear the "all or nothing" in that?? It will never serve me well.  Ever. 

Lifestyle change is NOT about behaving perfectly or according to anyone elses rules.  More than anything else, lifestyle change is about knowing we have choices and giving ourself the freedom to choose.

TOOL: 
a)  What choices on the journey of lifestyle change seem to be the hardest to maintain?

b)  What would create consistency for you?

c)  What would block consistency for you?  Why?

Intention in 2014

Oh how I love that word!  Especially when it relates to my own life and my journey towards growth and change.  We had an awesome discussion in group today about the difference between the words "goal" and "intention".  Intention seems to have some built in grace and some forward momentum and direction.  Goal seems to leave room for disappointment and at times the inability to obtain or accomplish that goal.  With intention, I can continue with forward momentum while adjusting my aim, purpose or objective.  It really was a rich discussion in the difference in the words and just how powerful vernacular can be in our lives.

As this week, month and year unfolds, I encourage you to appreciate the importance of intention in your life.  What would you like to have happen in your life this year?  What particular areas of growth would you like to see?  What blocks would you like to have removed? 

The new year stands before us like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.  We can help write the story.  Intention can become the internal plum-line on the journey towards health and wellness in 2014.     

TOOL:
What does "intention" mean to you?  How does it relate to your journey of lifestyle change?  What is YOUR intention?  How will you get there?

Food

 

 

I received this in an email from a friend.  I hope you ponder on the thought like I did.  Have a nice weekend ladies and remember, YOU are the smartest people I know!!

 

 

Soul-sickness

The last few weeks worth of conversations in HOPE have been not only interesting but quite thought provoking.  We talked about those old-time feelings that return from time to time on our journey of lifestyle change. When we begin to feel unworthy, victimized, helpless, and resentful again, we can know we have slipped back into codependency, a condition also known as soul-sickness. Sandy calls it "notgoodenoughitis"!  I love that.  The good news is that it doesn't mean we are back to square one on lifestyle change. It simply means we need to use the tools we have learned to help us out of the dark, muddy, pit of codependency.  KT shared a story when one of her children was stuck in a deep mud pit.  Her husband grabbed their son and pulled him so hard to get him out, that he pulled the child right out of his tennis shoes which both remained buried deep in the mud.  What behaviors do you need to leave buried in the pit of codependency as you pull yourself out?  The tool for this week:  How do you get out of the deep dark pit of codependency?  How did you get there?  How can you miss the pit next time? 

Two weeks ago we talked about using others to create our happiness or stop our pain.  Many of us have waited for someone else to make us happy or waited so long for someone to stop the pain we were in. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim.  That beautifully wrapped gift of well-being is one that I give myself. I am totally responsible for it!  While it is true that if someone steps on my foot they are hurting me and therefore holds the power to stop the pain by getting of my foot, it is totally my pain and my responsibility to tell the person to get off my foot!  The tool for this week:  Draw a gift with a tag that says To: (your name) and From: (your name).  Now name the gift that you would like to give yourself.  We had some awesome answers to this one in group.  Oh what freedom comes when we realize that we are responsible for our own well-being!

Last week the nugget was titled "Perfection".  That word makes most of us squirm because either we are striving to achieve it or because we feel so far from it.  Striving for perfection leaves us in that "all or nothing" wasteland, and feeling far from perfection leaves us shaming ourselves for not being good enough.  It can also become an excuse to do nothing.  Perfection is impossible unless we reframe that word and think of it in a new way.  Perfection is accepting and loving who we are and accepting where we are today.  Nothing good comes from perfectionist behaviors and everything good comes from accepting and loving who I am.  Then and only then can I change where I am and have lasting lifestyle change.  The tool last week:  name a perfectionist behavior that you indulge in on your journey of lifestyle change. Define indulge.

This week we will chew on taking risks, and even being willing to fail, which is the very thing that will lead us out of perfectionism.  Should be interesting. Hope to see you on Tuesday or Thursday this week!      

A New Time for HOPE!

Happy Spring everybody!  I have some new and exciting news for the H.O.P.E Program.  We have decided to change the time for the Tuesday group from 10AM - 11AM to 12PM - 1PM.  We have met on Tuesdays at 10AM for 10 years, but for several reasons we are moving to the lunch time hour so some folks who work will now be able to join us over that hour.  Here is the H.O.P.E. schedule
beginning on April 16th: (This week we will meet at 10AM on Tuesday)

Tuesdays from 12PM - 1PM
Thursdays from 6PM - 7PM

The last several weeks we have had some deep and interesting conversation about trusting ourselves, empowering ourselves, getting our needs met and last week that led us into the topic of learning to appreciate ourselves.  Notice the theme of these last many weeks?  It's all about me!  All these nuggets are focused on me, myself and I! The only way to make lasting progress on the journey of lifestyle change is to remove my focus from others and return it to me. Notice I said "return" it.  Focusing on everyone elses needs to my own detriment is a learned behavior.  And for those of us on this journey, the cost can be very high. 

As we chewed over the topic of trusting ourselves, we realized that one of the most harmful things that has happened to us was that we came to believe that we could not trust ourselves.  Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves.  How?  We learn it!  The tool on this week was to identify a place of shame in your life and then identify what compassion would say to that shame. 

The next week we talked about empowering ourselves.  Part of empowering ourselves is understanding what drives our behavior.  When we react to something, we are coming from a child place with little control over our emotions.  When we respond to something, we are coming from an adult place taking responsibility for our emotions and the need that they are pointing to.  The tool on this week was to define react and respond and share an experience where you reacted and one where you responded, and what you felt during both. 

The following week we talked about getting our needs met.  You can see the flow of the nuggets through these weeks.  We had a great discussion on how feelings identify a need.  Nothing more, nothing less, so we do not need to be afraid of feeling.  When we close our eyes to a need in our life, we close our arms to its fulfilment.  The tool on this week was to identify 3 feelings you've had throughout the week and then identify what the need is, then finally how to meet that need. 

Then last week we talked about learning to appreciate ourselves.  Although we have walked through most of our lives apologizing for ourselves - directly or indirectly and feeling that we were less valuable than others, believing that others are meant to be here and we are not.  It is time for that to stop!  We gave a copy of the nugget to each person last week and encouraged them to repeat these truths to themselves outloud. 
* We have a right and a responsibility to be here.
* We have a right and a responsibility to be ourselves.
*We are worthy and deserving.
The tool last week was to write how you feel about this sentence.  "I am the greatest thing that will ever happen to me" -Codependent No More.  Also, how can you validate yourself?

This week we will talk about what to do when those old-time feelings begin to creep back in. 

Enjoy your week. You truly are the smartest wowan I have ever known!  EVER!

    

Emotional Convalescence

We have had some awesome conversation over the last few weeks about emotional convalescence (healing from emotional pain that drives unhealthy behaviors) and learning to accept who we are, including a painful past, so that we can begin to change where we are.  We started two weeks ago by picking out the verbs or action words from the following quote to see what part we are responsible for in our own healing:

"Learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time.  We need to discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow (and shame)to renewed serenity (and peace) . . . We need to anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence; unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life."  Joshua Loth Leibman

I just LOVE that quote!  So full of truthful nuggets for me to sink my teeth in to, or better yet, sink my thoughts in to!  Lifestyle change is a process.  It's a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a destination.  It's in the  journey that we learn this new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

Last week we continued the rich discussion on what it means to accept ourselves.  Many of us have stuffed and numbed our feelings for so long that we really aren't sure of who we are at all.  Valid point.  Many of us feel so much shame about ourselves that it impacts our behaviors in such unhealthy ways.  Another valid point!  We compared it to walking around in life wearing a pair of glasses that are the wrong prescription and has numerous smudges all over the lenses.  Of course both of these issues would affect my ability to interact with the world around me.  If the curb looked far away but was actually right in front of me, I would trip and probably fall.  My wrong prescription did not reflect reality.  That is exactly what happens to us when we believe things about ourselves that are not true (smudges and wrong prescriptions) and operate under wrong and unhealthy messages.  An example that we talked about is if I believe that I am unworthy of taking care of myself, then I will not eat well, rest well, make time for fitness or any other number of things.  The journey of lifestyle change is a wonderful way to become aware of some of these "smudges" and "wrong prescriptions" that have caused us to repeat unhealthy behaviors that do not serve us well.  The tool last week was to identify some of the smudges that are on your lenses and how that particular smudge impacts your behavior on your journey of lifestyle change.

This week we talked about taking care of ourselves; not an easy thing for most of us to do.  Again, what we believe about ourselves will certainly determine how, or if, we take care of ourselves.  We have to be connected to ourselves and our feelings to know what we need.  That leads to the tool for this week since the highlighted sentence and the tool are extremely connected.  List a few REAL needs that you have this week and a few MANUFACTURED needs that you have this week.  The following is an example
"I need some ice cream because I only got three hours sleep and I'm so exhausted = MANUFACTURED NEED.
"I need to rest now and will go to bed early tonight because I only got three hours sleep last night" =  REAL NEED.

Enjoy your weekend and I look forward to seeing you all next week.  And if I haven't told you lately, you truly are the smartest people I know!  Keep up the awesome work in group . . .
   

Thursday Night H.O.P.E. group returns!

I am excited to announce that we will be starting the H.O.P.E. Program's Thursday evening group on:

                        Thursday - February 14th from 6pm - 7pm

We have had many request for the Thursday evening group and I am thrilled that we are now able to offer it.  I would also like to make everyone aware of the fact that I will be having foot surgery in the beginning of March which will prevent me from facilitating H.O.P.E. for several weeks.  I am so happy to tell you that our own group member of many years, Sandy Welfare, has graciously agreed to facilitate during my absence.  Sandy is quite qualified as she has completed her Master's degree in Christian ministries with a minor in counseling.  Her years as a H.O.P.E. participant gives her a clear insight into the journey of lasting lifestyle change.  We are also still looking for the right person to fill the role of our H.O.P.E Therapist.  We will continue to interview applicants and will have the prospective thereapist sit in with us in group.  We are hopeful that we're getting close to finding just the right person!

This week we talked about the debilitating effects of shame in out lives and on our journey of lifestyle change.  When we operate out of a shame place in our life, it impacts every choice we make, and disrupts our ability to see things from a healthy perspective.  The message of shame never changes; it is "I am bad" or "I am unworthy".  Shame truly is mud to the soul!  We talked about learning to identify and name the shame in our lives.  Loving and accepting who we are will then enable us to change where we are.  The tool this week came out of our conversation about shame.

TOOL:
How can my shame be tied to my lack of motivation?