USING OTHERS TO STOP OUR PAIN

USING OTHERS TO STOP OUR PAIN

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands.  Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at a whim.  If we try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed.  We will discover that it’s an illusion.  That person didn’t hold it.  He or she never will.  That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone else was going to give us, is really an illusion.

In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create joy for us; if we can find the courage and faith to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our own issues, we will find happiness.

Yes, it’s true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop the pain by removing his or her foot.  But the pain is still ours.  So it is our responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.

Healing comes when we are aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness for us.  This awareness helps us heal from the past and we receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our own hands.  We have held that box.  The contents are ours for the opening. That we run from the most is what we create in our lives.

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How have you expected others to create your happiness? 

Define your happiness; what does it look like?  What does it feel like?  How can you own your own happiness?

What would you fill your happiness gift box up with?  Draw a box and add contents.

 

Appreciation

The last two weeks we have talked about appreciation.  Appreciating myself. A group member looked up the definition of "appreciate" and it meant to "ascribe value to and to recognize its impact."  Now take that definition of appreciate and apply it to yourself.  Not easy, is it?  The following came directly from the nugget last week and was so powerful as the discussion unfolded:

"We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly, feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not."

That sums up how I spent a good twenty five years of my life.  This is also directly from the nugget and it is the encouraging hope for those of us still stuck in the place described above:

"We have a right and a responsibility to be here and to be ourselves.  There is a purpose, a reason and a intention for our life.  We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.  We have spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic and doubting the beauty of ourselves.  Be done with it.  Let it go.  It is an unnecessary burden.  Others have rights and responsibilities, but so do we.  We are neither less than nor more than.  We are equal.  We are who we are.  That is who we were intended to be."

God, help me learn to love and appreciate myself.  Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.

Tool:
1. How can you validate yourself?
2. Define 5 things you appreciate about yourself.

I am excited to tell you that Christiane Matey, our HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition leader has a new blog herself and welcomes you all to visit, make yourselves at home and ask any questions you may have.
http://mateychristiane.wix.com/thefitchef

Trust

Trust is something that most of us value.  I have a confidence when I can trust someone, or something.  I trust my car will start and that my lights will come on when I lift the switch.  I trust my sister and my best friend.  99.99% of the time these things are trustworthy in my life, so I don't spend much time concerned about it.  One of the most detrimental things that happened to us is that we came to believe that we couldn't trust ourselves.  On this journey of lifestyle change, one of the most important issues we face is learning to trust ourselves again.

I know what is best for me.  I know what is right for me.  If I am wrong, if I need to change my mind, I will be guided into that - but only by trusting where I am today.  I can look to others for support and resinforcement, but trusting myself is essential as I grow in health and wellness. 

I encourage you to challenge fear, doubt and confusion on your journey for they are the enemies of self-trust.  every step you take away from them are steps you take closer towards trusting yourself.  Learning to trust yourself again occurs one day at a time, one experience at a time.

Tool:
1.  When did you NOT trust yourself, and what lessons did you learn from it?  When DID you trust yourself, and what lessons did you learn from that?

HOPE Lifestyle - Fitness

Laura Trumbull teaches our HOPE Lifestyle - Fitness.  We will have a synopsis of her class now so that you can catch up on anything you miss.  http://hopelifestylefitness.blogspot.com/

Logical consequences

Our nugget from two weeks ago was titled "Discipline" so you can understand why I titled this post "Logical consequences".   Most people, including myself at times, run for the hills when they see or think about the word "disciple".  For most of the people in HOPE, this word carries many meanings, none of which are positive.  Children need disciple to feel secure; so do adults.  Discipline means understanding that there are logical consequences to our behavior.  It means taking responsibilty for our behavior and the consequences.  Mostly it means being where we need to beeed to be there, despite our feelings.  Ouch!  That last sentence stung a little bit.  Another important aspect of discipline that many of us often forget, is trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them in the day to day thick of it.  This topic was so meaty in group that we decided to use two tools :)

Tool:
1.  Name three unattended areas in your life and how you might take a step forward toward discipline in each area.
2.  Name several logical consequences for my behavior. (This can be healthy consequences from healthy behaviors OR unhealthy consequences from unhealthy behaviors)

This week we talked about accepting ourselves.  For many of us on this journey, we are in the midst of discovering just who we are.  For so many years we lost ourselves in the wants, needs, desires and demands of others.  Our perspective and lens through which we view ourselves and the world around us has been distorted because of it.  It is incredibly hard to walk around wearing the wrong prescriptions and then having smudges all over the lens. Part of learning to accepting who we are means accepting where we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws wants, needs and desires.  I love this quote by Carl Rogers: "The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Tool:
1. Imagine that you are walking around with those glasses on which are the wrong prescription and have smudges on them.  These smudges impact what we see, whether I am looking at myself, others or the world around me.  Name the smudges you see on your glasses right now where you are on your journey. 

Christiane Matey, HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition Leader now has her own blog which will be a wonderful resource for all of us. It will also be an extremely helpful way for any of you who may miss the meeting to catch up. Her information is so incredibly interesting and helpful. Here is the link to Christiane's blog and her class this week. http://www.hopelifestyle.blogspot.com/

Choosing to care . . . about me!

Last week we had an interesting conversation about choosing to care about my own needs.  Choosing NOT to neglect my own needs in order to meet the needs of many others. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on others is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.  Wow!  What a concept!  The tool from last week created the most interesting conversation this week. 

Tool:
1. Make a list of your REAL needs and make a list of your MANUFACTURED needs for the week.

This week began by group members talking about the difference between what real and manufactured needs are.  That led us to this week's nugget which was about feelings.  Years into lifestyle change, many of us may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.  Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves in order to survive certain situations.  Others were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings.  Times have changed!  We are neither weak nor deficient for feeling our emotions.  It means we are becoming healthy and whole!

Tool:
1. Feel your feelings with a backdrop of truth.  Define your backdrop of truth.
(Ex: You feel shame, like you are a BAD person, for not babysitting your friend's children during your important work meeting.  Your feelings are certainly real because you feel them.  Are they true? No. How do you know? That is the backdrop of truth.  It is what tells you whether or not what you feel is true.)

Christiane Matey, HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition Leader now has her own blog which will be a wonderful resource for all of us.  It will also be an extremely helpful way for any of you who may miss the meeting to catch up.  Her information is so incredibly interesting and helpful.  Here is the link to Christiane's blog and her class this week.  http://www.hopelifestyle.blogspot.com/

Fear and love

The last two weeks in HOPE have been extremely powerful and encouraging.  Two weeks ago we began to uncover the root of fear. Very much like soldiers in a war rely on fear to survive, many of us relied on fear in our past to protect ourselves and it served us well.  However, now it is time to recognize how that fear may be driving our behavior in an unhealthy way and to be willing to look past the fear and see what's there. As adult women striving towards health and wellness, we don't need to carry the fears from the past into lifestyle change in the present. It just doesn't work. We can listen to our healthy rational fears and let go of the rest.

Tool:
1. What are your old fears that helped you survive? Survive what? How does it drive your behaviors today? Name the behaviors.

Last week we talked about loving ourself which can be a difficult topic for many reasons.  This is at the core of our journey. Many of us substitute self-esteem for what we wear or drive or the money we have.  And many of us have confused body image with self-esteem.  We can learn to love and accept ourselves, in fact it is just paramount. This is the birthing ground of self care and compassion. If we are not sure of who we are, then it is time to embark on the wonderful discovery.

Tool:
1. How do I discover who I am? How do I decide who I am? Are they the same?

EXTRA: A group member shared this observation in her own journey and it was a profound question that I want to share. Wow! Please take a moment to ponder this is your own life journey:
   "What if I wasn't afraid to love myself?"

HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition
Today we had a great session all about preparation.  Here are some guidelines we covered:
-          Clean out the cabinets and fridge
-          Identify “kryptonite” foods
-          Make a weekly menu and shopping list with
       everyone in the household
-          Ask family to chime in and help
-          Stick to the grocery list
-          Allow yourself 1 treat a week, as long as it’s not a
       “kryptonite” food
-          Shopping and prep need some time so make sure you allow
       yourself a few hours
Upon returning from the store:
-          Take everything out of the bags
-          Put away items that aren’t needed
-          Cook items for the week
-          Start with long cooking time items first like roasts, meats,
       vegetables and grains
-          Prepare vegetables and fruit, clean, slice, chop or dice
-          Put away in clear easy to see containers for quick access
Here are some suggestions for staple items:
-          Roasted lean protein like chicken, turkey and fish
-          Soups, Stews and Chili's
-          Salads and various sliced diced vegetables
-          Berries (frozen) and low fat yogurts for smoothies or snacks
-          Lots of fruit like apples, citrus, pears and bananas on the
       counter for quick snacking
-          Individual packs of nuts, trail mix and snack items
-          Whole grains as salads or side dishes
-          Whole grain breads
-          Low fat cheeses and dairy
-          Raw veggie options with dips like humus or yogurt
-          Eggs and egg whites
-          Low fat ground meats like turkey, chicken and beef

Next class we will discuss portion sizes and journaling.  We also came up with a new lesson in class called "this or that" that will follow portion sizes and journaling.  We will talk about how we can make healthier choices rather than avoiding certain foods altogether.   

As always, you can reach me anytime with questions at mateychristiane@gmail.com.

Those Dreaded Feelings

One thing I am certain of as I have walked this unfolding journey of lifestyle change is this; Emotions get a bad rap.  Feelings seem to be the thing most of us are most afraid of.  Why is that? Well I'm sure I can answer that. . . because they don't "feel" good!!! It has been the reason I have used food to stuff them or silence for many years of my life.  As I continue to embrace this journey, I have come to understand one thing for certain.  The emotions I have been given are a gift from God that He hard-wired in me for my benefit.  Notice the words gift and benefit? Let me remind us all that feelings are there to tell me I need something.  As we venture on on our journey of lifestyle change, one of the treasures we are seeking is our emotional self that has long been intentionally piled under years of life. 

Tool:
Talk about how you see your feelings or emotional self.  Do you see it as a terrible painful thing to run from or a treasure that you are seeking to help identify the needs in your life. If I'm guessing, you are somewhere in the middle.  Write about where you are and why. 

HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrtion
Thank you for a great turn out for HOPE Lifestyle - Nutrition.  We touched upon a lot of information regarding nutrition and lifestyle change.  Here are some highlights:

-          Where do calories come from?  Protein, Carbohydrates, Fats and YES alcohol.  Water, minerals, vitamins and phytochemicals do not have calories.

-          Find your BMR.  This is the base calories you need if you laid in bed all day.  You can find your number online at, http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

-          1 pound of fat = 3500 calories or 500 calories per day.  Which means you need to be more active or to eat less calories in order to lose weight per week.  For example, I need 1650 calories just for my body to function.  If I ate 1150 calories per day I would lose 1 pound a week.  I could also eat 1650 calories and burn 500 calories per day and lose 1 pound a week. 

-          Check out www.myfitnesspal.com.  This is a wonderful tool to help you journal and reach your goals.  They will do the calculations for you on your BMR and weight loss goals.  We have a class just on journaling coming up but I am open to questions anytime.

Our next meeting we will talk about preparation.  How to plan your week and set yourself up for success. Please feel free to post any questions on the blog.  You can also send me a private message at mateychristiane@gmail.com.